I'm a Grenade
by neverending-adventure
Summary: Hazel meets an unlikely friend through her tumblr blog. She doesn't know how to tell her new friend she has cancer and thinks telling him will scare him away. As well as dealing with that, her and her mom bond and talk about love, life, death, and what gives a life meaning.
1. Chapter 1

I logged into my tumblr for what must've been the billionth time that day- a side effect of cancer is a lot of down time since rest is so important, as Dr. Maria reminds me all the time. I checked my blog and apparently had a new follower, which was strange since my blog didn't attract much attention. I clicked on the url and was directed to a blog with an interesting array of video game gifs and videos and pictures a band I'd never heard of called the Hectic Glow. This didn't seem like the type of person who would follow me- confused as to why they would do such a thing, I scrolled to the top of the blog and noticed his picture (I'm assuming it was him at least, it could've been a model for all I know). If it was him, I've got to admit- he's attractive. Curious as to why an attractive person with a blog so different to mine would choose to follow me, I shot a quick message to introduce myself that read:

"Hey, I like your blog! Thanks for following me. I'm Hazel by the way."

Short and sweet and hopefully not terribly awkward. I followed him back and logged off tumblr to go watch ANTM. Mom brought me a strawberry milkshake and sat next to me and watched (more like made snide commentary the whole time) ANTM with me. I guess I'd been unusually quiet and lost in my own thoughts because mom asked me what was wrong, The conversation went like this:

Mom- What's on your mind, sweetie?

Me- Huh? Oh, nothing really.

Mom- You can talk to me, you know that I won't judge you.

Me- Ha! You should see yourself watch ANTM!

Mom- True, but I won't judge you.

Me- Alright. Well, I was just thinking about how in a lot of ways I'm like Anna. She died too young to ever get the chance to fall in love with someone and I feel like I'm running out of time and I just sorta feel like I'll never get to fall in love with anyone. It's stupid , I have more pressing issues to worry about- like just staying alive, but I'd like to live long enough to be able to say 'I love you' to someone not family.

(I honestly don't know what made me rant like that, I wasn't even thinking about that, I wasn't even really thinking at all when mom asked what I was thinking about. But then, that just kinda came out. Maybe it had crossed my mind before but I just sorta let it sit there until now)

Mom- I know, honey.

And that's all she said before pulling me in for a tight hug. I think I made her cry a bit, I hate talking about cancer with my parents, I hate hurting them. The words Patrick always said at Support Group rang in my ears. 'Just because you may not have a long life doesn't mean you can't have a full one.' Which is actually really true, as much as I hate to admit it.

I hate taking pity so I had to break the hug and excuse myself back to my room. I just sorta sat there on my bed feeling irrationally sorry for myself. I try to be happy and keep a positive outlook considering I only have a set number of days and it'd be a waste to spend them sad. But right I _was_ sad. So I just read AIA and fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I awoke at 6:12 P.M. with AIA on my face and drool on the page and dribbling down my face. _Gross, _I thought as I picked the book up and wiped my face dry with the back of my hand. Not much I can really do for the book but let it air dry. It was bent and ripped anyway, a drool stain wouldn't lessen my continued use or love of the book. I stretched, yawned, and picked sleep out of my eye to make myself more alert and presentable. I stepped out of my room and mom greeted me with a huge smile and asked me how my nap was. I said it was good and smiled back at her and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

"Dinner will be ready in 10 if you're feeling up to eating," she told me.

"Thanks. What's for dinner?"

"Pasta salad and steamed carrots and broccoli."

"Breadsticks?"

"Of course! You don't get the full Italian restaurant effect without them!"

I laughed and then proceeded to set the table for mom. She told me I didn't have to do that but I feel like such a burden sometimes, not because my parents made me feel that way or anything. It's all in my head and completely my own imagination, but I feel like I don't do enough and they do all this stuff for me and pay my medical bills, that the very least I could do to give back was set the table here and there and tidy small messes around the house. Despite knowing that I'm going to die before them, they like to pretend that I won't and they try to keep me happy. Cancer patients always get told that they're so brave for fighting what's very often a losing battle but to me at least, it's more admirable of those dealing with the pain secondhand. Not only do they deal with it in the present like us, they deal with it for the rest of their lives, while we just die. Not that either situation is particularly good to be in, I assume it's easier to deal with death after you've died and aren't concerned with the worries of those on earth. No matter how much they pretend though, the outcome won't change and I know that in the back of their minds they worry every single day.

"Mom, when I die please promise me that you dad won't become depressed or get a divorce or do anything reckless. I know that you hate talking about this and believe me, so do I, but I just want to know that things will be okay down here when I'm not around."

"Oh, honey. What prompted this?"

_Only my terminal cancer and impending doom_. But I didn't say this out loud.

"I just got to thinking about the world after I'm gone and how it will keep turning and people will keep living and you guys will still be here for a while and how I want you to live out your years happily. I don't want it to be painful when you think about me or look at my stuff or see my favorite shows and foods. I want things to be as normal as possible around here."

"We're going to heartbroken for a long time after you die and things will never be the same but we'll always love each other. I don't know how we'll react when we see things that remind us of you, but I know that your dad and I will never stop loving each other and we'll remain the same people we've always been. It's going to be so hard but we'll keep going, sweetie. We love you so much."

Her words reassured me so I smiled and hugged her for a long time. We smiled through the tears that conversation caused us and almost caught the house on fire in the process.

"DINNER!" My mom shouted, breaking the hug after smelling the burning food on the stove.

It wasn't terribly burnt and we caught it just in time so it was still salvageable. We threw away the burnt bits of broccoli and carrots and put the rest of it in serving bowls at the table and waited for dad to come home from running errands. While we waited, we talked about ANTM so dad wouldn't see us cry and start to get sad and cry as well.

"…All I'm saying is that Amber really knows how to strut ya know? And like, she has the perfect bitch face that all models do. She's gonna win, don't even deny it," I told mom matter-of-factly.

"Hmmm. You're probably right. Doesn't mean I like her though."

"Oh god, no! I hate her, but she's good at what she does and the judges recognize that and point it out every time they see her."

"Very true. Brittney is more deserving though, just look at all the charity work she does and how nice she is to the other contestants."

"But she doesn't own the catwalk like Amber does, and that's her biggest downfall."

Just then dad walked in and greeted us by kissing us on the forehead after setting some bags down on the counter. Suddenly his face went a bit wrinkly and he asked if something had burned. We said that we weren't really paying much attention and accidentally burned the veggies but they were okay. He doesn't really eat veggies that much anyway, so he said that as long as the main course was fine, then that's all that matters. We laughed and started helping ourselves to the food. My mom is an amazing cook and even though I don't have much of an appetite- a side effect of cancer- her food makes me want to keep eating until I explode.

After dinner I was tired so I retreated back to my room. I turned on my computer and logged on to tumblr. I was surprised to see I had a message, then suddenly I remembered sending one to the cute guy's blog. I clicked on the message and read it excitedly.

"Hello, Hazel. I'm Augustus Waters. Thank you for the compliment, I find your blog interesting too even though we obviously post very different things. For some reason it was captivating, maybe it was the air of intelligence. It's always refreshing to see pretty, smart, and funny people. By the way, I saw a really good quote on your blog about pain needing to be felt or something like that and I really liked it, what's it from?"

I couldn't believe he called me pretty, let alone even respond to me. My profile picture is a bit deceiving though, sorta making me appear to be a healthy, normal person. I took it about five months ago on a day that I almost felt like a typical teenager. I used my webcam and added a cool filter and decided to take off the cannula and hide the tank from the background of the picture. I looked average, like any other girl my age would. Of course, after I took the picture, I rushed to put the cannula back in, already feeling the effects of the lack of oxygen. But I really liked that picture because, for one shinning minute, I looked and felt entirely normal. In a life where hospital visits are frequent and life is uneventful, normal felt so good.

I wanted to become friends with Augustus but if we were to ever meet, he would find out that I'm a time bomb, waiting to obliterate those who love me. I'm afraid of getting close to people, but then again, I messaged him first so maybe I'm not as scared of it as I thought. I didn't want to tell him immediately about my condition, which kinda feels wrong and manipulative, but I want him to know me, not my illness. I feel awful keeping this a secret from him, but I've shut myself off from a lot of people my age (not entirely my fault though, cancer takes away my desire to waste energy socializing in conventional teenager ways) and I want to have friends but the people in my real life are so exhausting to be with. I replied to him, leaving out super personal stuff… for now. So I replied with:

"Aw thank you, but I'm hardly pretty! I'll take the funny and intelligent compliment though. As for the quote, it comes from my favorite book and what may quite possibly be the best book ever written; An Imperial Affliction. I've read it so many times, I have practically the whole thing memorized by now. Wow, I just realized how lame that makes me sound. Anyway, if you do end up reading it you'll find out why I can't stop!"

I sent the message and kept blogging for a while, but right as I was about to log out I got another message.

"That doesn't make you sound lame, it shows that you, unlike so many young people, actually care about and are affected by the impact that fictional characters can have. I'll have to check out this extremely profound sounding book, but on the condition that you give Price of Dawn (my favorite book) a chance, okay? You're right by the way, pretty is an understatement: you're beautiful."

He called me beautiful. I didn't know how to respond to that, so instead I replied:

"Okay. Sounds like an interesting read."

He responded with:

"I'll start An Imperial Affliction and keep you updated. Keep me updated on Price of Dawn."

"Okay. Well, I'd better go, I'll talk to you tomorrow."

He said:

"Okay."

I logged off the computer and picked up AIA but couldn't concentrate, my mind kept wandering to our conversation. I wondered what he was like in real life, because online he was so charismatic. I wanted to spend forever talking to him, I wanted to talk with him face-to-face but that would mean him knowing about my cancer. I couldn't help but feel like I was cheating him a bit by not giving him the chance to bail early. It was a selfish move, but I felt like I deserved to have someone to talk to who didn't feel the need to pity me or slowly fade out of my life. My thoughts consumed me and I really couldn't read so I put the book down and turned out the light. Sleep wasn't coming as I laid on my back and my thoughts were drifting to Augustus and what life would be like if I were cancer free.


	3. Chapter 3

I got little sleep that night, thus being super groggy and irritable the next morning when mom woke me up at 10A.M. for my monthly check up with Dr. Maria. I listened to some music on my computer as I got myself ready for the day, and checked my email, then my facebook, and then tumblr. No new messages from Augustus. I wanted to shoot him a message but didn't want to seem annoying so I logged off tumblr and continued with my routine. I messed around with my pageboy haircut and tried to make myself look half decent. When I finally got my hair the way I liked it, I went to the kitchen for some breakfast with mom.

"Good morning, sweetie."

"Morning," I croaked.

"How'd you sleep?"

"Eh, sleeping longer would've been nice. How about you?" Not actually all that interested, just trying to shift attention away from myself and wake up a bit more.

"I slept just fine," She replied with a smile.

"That's good," I managed to say before yawning.

"Were you up too late reading last night? You know that sleep-"

"Is the best cancer-fighter," I finished.

"You've read that book a million times, surely you can put it down when you get tired."

"I actually wasn't reading, believe it or not. I just had trouble sleeping last night, I'm not sure why."

"Hmmm," She said, "Has it happened a lot recently? Maybe we should bring it up to the doctor today."

Typical of my mom to be overly concerned.

"No, it was just last night, but if it persists I'll let you know."

She exhaled in relief. I always feel bad because my parents worry about me so much, but it can't really be helped. I could pretty much bite it any day, so their concern, while moderately annoying sometimes, is completely understandable.

"Are you just about ready for your appointment?" Mom said, changing the topic as she scooped up both of our dirty dishes and put them in the sink.

"Yeah, let me brush my teeth though."

"I'll be in the car."

"Okay."

The appointment felt like it lasted for hours but in reality it was only about an hour long. It was more waiting around for the doctor to show up than anything else really. It only took about fifteen minutes to make sure everything was okay. The good news: no tumor growth, the bad news: terminal cancer. For as long as I've been diagnosed with cancer, it's never been anything but terminal. They can put me on all these drugs and shrink the tumors but it's still terminal. I've asked about a transplant but they say I probably wouldn't be a strong candidate for one, so I just keep on with the medicines and checkups. The first time I heard that I was going to die I got really scared, I was only thirteen and had so many aspirations and things that would be left undone; I cried a lot that first month. I couldn't help but feel robbed of a future, but I still have a future- a shorter one than most but still, a future nonetheless. Dying is after all, a side effect of life. While there are things I haven't done yet and things I definitely won't ever do, I'm satisfied with the life I've lived so far. Not saying I'd complain if I could have more time, but I'm happy with what I've got if this is all I get.

Upon getting home from the doctor's, I ate some lunch on the couch and caught up on all my TV shows. Mom joined me halfway through and asked what she missed, so I filled her in. Then we watched in almost complete silence, the only noise being her commenting on the models from ANTM here and there. This is how I spend most of my days, sat in front of the TV with mom. Not trying to complain, I like being able to relax, it's a teenager's dream to have as little responsibility as me, but sometimes I wish I were physically able to do more with my life, like travel around Europe. But I'm stuck staying at home for the most part, so I'm really up to date on pop culture.

I went to my room and got on to my computer, still no emails, not that I expected any from anybody other than department stores informing me on their latest sale. So I logged on to tumblr and had a message- scratch that- two messages from Augustus.

"Hey, just started AIA and it's a bit depressing so far… Please tell me she lives and doesn't succumb to her illness. Side note- is the Dutch tulip man a con artist? He seems like a sketchy person…. I don't know that I can trust him."

"THE LAST FEW PAGES ARE MISSING FROM MY BOOK, IT'S CUT OFF MID SENTENCE! IF THAT'S WHERE IT ENDS I'LL BE PISSED- THAT IS NO WAY TO END YOUR STORY! PART OF STORY TELLING IS ACTUALLY ENDING YOUR STORY!"

I laughed to myself a bit because my initial reaction to reading AIA was the same as his. The story ends in the middle of a

Incredibly frustrating, I know, but I still love the book to pieces. Though, it wouldn't break my heart to know how everyone else carried on after Anna died. I wrote back to Augustus.

"You're not missing any pages, that's where the book ends, sorry. Welcome to the sweet torture of reading AIA. I thought the same of the Dutch tulip man but wasn't entirely convinced by the end of the novel that he's as bad as I originally thought. I'm still not sure though. What'd you think of it, I mean apart from having no definite ending?"

He responded to me almost immediately, he must've just sent me the message not too long ago then since he was still online.

"While having no true ending, I thought it was insightful and cleverly done, if a bit pretentious. When I finally reached the end of the book, I didn't think the Dutch tulip man was necessarily a con artist but I don't think he's all that he's cracked up to be. I'm pretty sure Anna's mom grieves Anna for a long time since they had such a codependent relationship, so I think Anna's mom probably relies pretty heavily on the Dutch tulip man for a few months. During that time I think the Dutch tulip man reveals his true self to her but she still loves him because she knows he meant well. Then eventually, they get married and have a kid of their own. I can't stop thinking about this book Hazel, I created my own ending to it for closure but my mind keeps going back to the story. I totally understand why you've read it so many times now. Does this author have any other books?"

I responded:

"I like your theory, that's almost exactly the same as mine! Unfortunately, he does not have any other books. I really wish he did, this book has gotten me through a lot and I find his words comforting and inspiring in a way that most authors never quite seem to grasp. Like, I know that death is inevitable but it used to terrify me and for some reason, after reading this book I just, I don't even know, felt more assured that it won't be so scary. I guess it made me realize that life moves on after we're gone and even though we aren't around to see it, it doesn't mean that life has stopped."

I have no idea how to talk about that book without describing the meaning it has on me, but to do so efficiently, he would have to know that I was in the same boat as Anna, which I still haven't mentioned. He thinks he's conversing with a normal girl who has no health problems. I wanted to finally tell him, I just didn't know how to broach the subject… how do you tell someone you just met and barely know that you're dying of cancer? '_Hey this is random, but I have Stage IV thyroid cancer and Mets in my lungs. I led you to believe I was normal, but guess what- I'm not.'_ Yeah, that wouldn't go over well. So I just waited for his response to my message, which read:

"I get what you mean, too many authors tell you the story but don't show you the story- there's a huge difference between the two, and so it leaves me sorta unattached to everything. But this guy… man, he did a great job. It's a shame he didn't write anything else, the guy's got talent. Anyway, do you think it'd be entirely weird if I asked you for your number so we can avoid having to use this crappy messaging system? It's totally cool if you say no but I feel like it'd be ten times easier and quicker."

I hate giving out my number but I didn't feel like he had bad intentions so we exchanged numbers and he promised he'd call me later because he had a paper to write for school. I kinda forgot people my age went to school, I've been home from public school for three years and I stopped attending classes at my local college because it cost too much with all the medical bills my parents had to pay for. They told me to keep going, and I really wanted to because I've always loved learning, but I knew they couldn't afford it so I dropped out. Now, I fill the time between doctor visits and spontaneous mall trips with books, TV shows, and blogging. I envied him a bit, what I wouldn't give to be normal and have normal problems like a term paper or friend drama. I decided to take a nap while waiting for him to call me since I didn't sleep well the previous night and I kept dozing off at my computer as a result.

I slept for about two hours and was startled awake by my ringtone.

"Shi-," I exclaimed.

I had a super tired, groggy voice and wasn't prepared at all to talk on the phone but I answered anyway because I was really excited to talk to Augustus. I cleared my throat and pressed the button to accept the call.

"Hello," I said, really hating my voice right now.

"Hello," Augustus said. His voice was pleasant. Deep but not too deep and soft but not quiet. It's totally cliché to say this, but his voice reminded me of honey; thick and sweet.

"Ummm, how are you?" This was so awkward, "How's your paper going?"

"I'm good but my paper isn't doing so hot, I'm awful at writing about things I don't care about."

"Same here, I always hated that about school. Now, don't get me wrong, I love learning, but some of the things they try to cram down your throat and force you to memorize just had no relevance to me at all."

"Why are you using past tense? Are you done with school? If so, you're one lucky butt and I hate you."

Crap, what was I gonna say to that? It wouldn't technically be a lie if I said I was done but it'd weigh on my conscious.

"Uh, yes and no. I got my GED instead of graduating…"

"So did you like, drop out and go back a few years later?"

"Not exactly… during eighth grade I became too sick to go to school anymore and I had to stop. I studied from home when I wasn't feeling like death itself and then took my GED test during what would've been my freshman year of high school. Um I kinda have cancer… I'm sorry for not telling you but it never came up in conversation and I really wanted to keep talking to you because I don't really have any friends and you seem nice. Uh… so yeah. If you hate me, I totally get it, I wouldn't wanna become friends with a grenade either…" And with that I trailed off.

There was silence on the other end for a minute and at first I thought he hung up on me, but then he started talking to me again.

"Hazel…" he paused, I'm assuming because he didn't know what to say.

"Hazel," he continued, "you are not a grenade, okay?"

"Yes I am. When I die, everybody around me is going to be affected and I'm responsible for the mess that is left behind. I should've told you from the get-go before you wasted your time on me. I'm sorry."

"You are just as valid as any other living person in this world, and I refuse to believe that you are a grenade. You are so much more interesting to talk to than most of the people at my school. I love your witty remarks and the books that you read and everything that makes you who you are. You are so much more than your cancer. I, for one, am not sorry for getting close to you and I want to keep talking to you."

I was really touched by his words. My eyes started a watering a bit, and even though he couldn't see me, it embarrassed me. I was speechless, I didn't know how to respond. For someone without cancer, he sure seemed to understand that I wasn't looking for pity, which I was incredibly happy about.

"Hello?"

This pulled me out of my thoughts.

"I'm still here. I think you actually made me speechless, I don't know what to say to that. Thank you for not being a douchenozzel about this even though you could've and thanks for not being all sorry about me having cancer, I hate when people apologize to me about it. Sorry's not gonna help me live longer or feel any better about my situation. Anyway, I think what I'm trying to say is thanks for understanding. It's good to know I have someone not family who has my back and wants to stick around."

Just as he was about to say something my mom yelled.

"Hazel, dinner's ready."

"Uh sorry, I have to go, dinner's ready. I'll call you back, okay?"

"Okay, I guess I should probably work on this stupid essay. Quick question before you go: what's your full name?"

"Hazel Grace Lancaster, why?"

"Just wondering, it's a good name by the way. Goodnight, Hazel Grace." I loved the way he said my name.

"Goodnight, Augustus."

And then the line went silent. I put my phone down and smiled. I have a friend! I was so relieved he took the news as well as he did. I was beyond ecstatic to have a friend after all these years of trying to avoid getting close to people. He made me feel less like a grenade and more like an actual person again. His words really comforted me and I didn't feel like I had to be ashamed of my existence. The cancer that is made of me is not really me, it's separate from my consciousness and it's something that I can't control. The cancer doesn't define me or my life. Because of Augustus, I can finally accept that.


	4. Chapter 4

At dinner my mind kept drifting back to my conversation with Augustus but I tried to stay in the moment so my parents wouldn't worry about me acting too distant. I ate my meatloaf and laughed at the corny jokes my dad told and empathized with him about the obnoxious customers he dealt with that day. Mom took our plates when dinner was over and served dessert, which was a rare occurrence in my household, usually only given when there was news to be told or birthdays and holidays. Seeing as it wasn't anyone's birthday or a holiday, I became instantly worried and completely focused on the present.

"Mom, we never have dessert…"

"I decided to make a pie," She said, but something about her tone didn't convince me.

"Okay, what's really going on? You never randomly bake, you hate baking."

My dad sighed and my mom glanced in his direction.

"We should just tell her, honey," Dad said.

I got scared that this had something to do with my cancer. What if they found something and I was going to die in a matter of days?

"Am I… going to die soon…?"

"Oh, honey! No! It's nothing like that at all!"

"Oh my god, you guys scared me! If it's not that then what is it?"

"I got promoted recently."

"That's great, dad!"

"Which means," he continued, "that we're going to have to move to California."

"Oh."

"It's a really tough decision, considering the doctors here know you and your condition very intimately, but I talked to them and they said where we're going they have even better research centers and more funding. They told me we could get you in with one of the best doctors in the nation. They were incredibly supportive and encouraging of this move but obviously we won't go anywhere if you aren't comfortable leaving."

It was quite a lot to take in. I'd never in my wildest dreams thought of myself as the type to live in California, but if I had a good chance at living longer and getting better care, I'd go wherever I had to go.

Mom chimed in just then, "We realize it's a lot to process. We don't want to rush you or pressure you into making a decision. If we stay here, nothing will change and we won't be mad at you, sweetie."

"You said I would be able to go to one of the best doctors in the nation?" I asked

"Yes, honey," Dad said.

"Do you think going to California would increase my chance of living longer?"

"I think there's a possibility but I really don't know anything for sure."

I truly felt like this would be the best thing for me, it's not like I'm really going to lose anything either way and I want my parents to be happy.

"California sounds nice, I think moving would be good for me. Don't worry, I'm not rushing into this and I really feel like the move will be a nice change."

"You're sure?" Mom asked.

"Positive," I said

"Oh! This is going to be so wonderful!" Mom exclaimed.

"Have you guys looked at any houses yet? Do you even know where you're gonna be transferring to?"

"Southern California, near the beach. We started and found a beautiful beach house in our price range but we haven't placed a bid on it yet," Mom answered.

"I doubt that's gonna be for sale long, you might wanna act soon."

My parents laughed and said they would. We finished dessert and then watched some ANTM together. About an hour or two later I went to my room and logged onto my tumblr yet again. I had a message, surely it couldn't be from Augustus though, we'd just talked earlier that evening. I checked it and sure enough it was from him.

"I enjoyed our conversation earlier, Hazel Grace, you have a nice voice. Oh god, that probably sounded really creepy. I swear I'm not an axe murderer! _That _sounded too defensive, okay I think I'm just gonna shut up now. Until next time, Hazel Grace"

I chuckled loudly at the message, then replied.

"Hahahaha are you quite sure about not being an axe murderer? Anyway, I enjoyed the conversation too. Oh! Before I forget to tell you, I read Price of Dawn. It wasn't too bad, I actually really liked it and I'm currently reading the sequel. Talk to you later, Augustus."

I closed my laptop and went to bed, hardly able to keep my eyes open any longer. I ended up sleeping for a really long time. I probably would've slept longer had my phone not gone off and startled me awake. It was 10 AM, I'm surprised my mom let me sleep in so long. I checked my phone and it was none other than Augustus.

"Morning," I croaked and stifled a yawn.

"Good  
morning indeed, Hazel Grace," He replied.

"Wassup?" My words slurred together due to my only half conscious state.

"Absolutely nothing, which is why I called you. I figured you'd be able to make my incredibly dull morning a bit more interesting." I heard some rustling and thudding in the background as if he'd dropped something.

I laughed, "Are you getting ready for school at the moment?" He must be in a different time zone. I don't know why I had assumed he lived anywhere remotely close to me.

"Unfortunately," He said. The line was silent for a moment or two, but it wasn't uncomfortable. It was almost as if we were in this third space where we were together in the same room and we were just enjoying the silence together, not feeling the need to say anything.

"How are you feeling today?" He asked, interrupting the silence.

"Today's a pretty good day; I mean my lungs are crap and it feels like I'm constantly drowning but as far as it goes, I'm doing okay."

"I don't mean to sound insensitive so you don't have to answer if you don't want to but have you ever felt like you were going to die?" He asked, suddenly serious with a slightly shaky voice.

"Um yeah, actually many times, the first time it ever occurred to me that I might die was when I was 14. I'd been diagnosed for a couple months and woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't breathe. I thought I was gonna go that night. I panicked and screamed for my parents, who rushed me to the ER and I lost consciousness. I woke up two days later with all these cords attached to me and a baggie full of this awful looking amber liquid that was draining from my lungs. It's happened too many times to count and every single time feels like the end. Why do ask?"

He sort of sighed, "Out of pure curiosity. I'm sorry you have to have to go through that. It sounds terrifying and I don't think I'd ever be able to do that." He sounded odd but I didn't question it, mostly because he started swearing under his breath, "Hey I gotta go, the bus is here and as usual, I'm running late. Talk you later, okay?"

"Okay," I said.

"Goodbye, Hazel Grace."

And with that, the line went silent. I didn't really know what to do with myself so I kept thinking over our conversation. Why had Augustus sounded so worried?I really hoped he was alright, I didn't want to picture him, or anyone for that matter, in my situation. I tried to put it out of my mind; when he's ready to tell me whatever it is that's bothering him, I'll be here to listen and support him.

I left my room and went to get breakfast. I poured some cereal and was greeted by mom.

"Good morning, sleepyhead. How'd you sleep?"

"Morning. I slept pretty good, how about you?"

"Pretty good," She replied, "Up for some shopping today?"

"Sure, sounds like fun. Give me an hour and I'll be ready."

"Alright, honey," She said then left the room.

We left the house at about noon and arrived at our local mall. I'm not really someone who likes shopping but it's a necessary evil, none of my clothes fit right. I'm thinner now than I was in junior high, and I was pretty thin back then too. So off we went to all the stores that girls my age shop at. We spent about two hours shopping until we decided it was time for a break.

"Why don't you go find a spot to sit and I'll order something for us?"

"Sure, I'll have whatever you get," I told mom just before going off to the closest table.

It was probably going to take a while for mom to get back because all the lines were long, so I pulled out the next installment of _The Price of Dawn_ series and read for about half an hour. I was so absorbed in the book that I didn't notice my mom until she said something about how long the line was and how excited she was to sit down and eat. I put the book away and empathized with her and then started eating a luke-warm slice of peperoni pizza.

"Do you want to look anywhere else?" Mom asked me, between bites.

"Not really, I think we did pretty good today."

"Are you sure you don't want to look at shoes? Those ones are looking a bit tattered, sweetie." She said, looking down at my old, beat up Converse.

"Nah, I'm good for now I think. Plus, I'm getting kinda tired anyway, I don't think I'd be much help picking out shoes."

"Alright, we'll go home after we finish eating." She agreed.

Upon getting home, I put my new clothes in my closet and sat on my bed reading, but I kept Augustus in the back of my mind and couldn't really concentrate on what was happening in the book. I reassured myself that he was alright but something seemed very off. It was probably me over-analyzing the situation, but I still worried nonetheless. All the gore in the book didn't exactly aid me in forgetting it either, so I picked up AIA instead and started reading that. It distracted me just enough and the familiarity of the story lulled me to sleep, where my everyday problems had no importance and I could feel normal and healthy for a couple hours.


	5. Chapter 5

** Hey guys, I'm so sorry for being MIA and not updating in FOREVER! School started and I've been pretty busy as of late. Hopefully this chapter will make up for that a little bit. Anyway, I want to update more frequently from now on and I think I'll be able to (fingers crossed). Thanks for the reviews and favorites, it's much appreciated! Enjoy! (P.S. I've been thinking about writing some other stories as well. I've just recently gotten into some really good animes and I really like the Nalu ship from Fairy Tail so be on the look out for that as I may or may not write that, depending on what you guys think and if I even have the time for it). Without further ado, I present the next installment of "I'm a Grenade."**

I woke myself up coughing; deep, breathe-taking coughs. Naturally, I panicked and screamed for mom, who ran into the room and asked me what was wrong. I couldn't respond, my coughing fit was too overwhelming. Luckily she understood, and asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital, to which I nodded. She told me to wait a minute while she ran to start the car and then came back and had me lean on her as she led me to the car. The coughing died down on the way there but I still felt like I couldn't breathe and kept taking deep, long breaths until my sides began to ache more than usual.

Being as I'm a pretty frequent visitor to the hospital, the woman behind the desk recognized me and immediately called for a nurse. A nurse ran out and led me to a room, seeing that I was wearing a cannula and clearly having trouble breathing. That's a perk of cancer I guess, getting to be seen right away, but then again I wouldn't even be there if I didn't have freaking cancer. Anyway, I got into the room and the nurse checked my vitals, sat me down on the bed, and assured me the doctor would be there shortly and she left me and my mom alone.

Mom walked over to me and asked how I was doing, she grabbed my hand and stroked my head, trying to calm me down a bit.

"I'm okay," I said between breaths.

"Oh, sweetie, I wish there were something I could do for you right now."

"It's fine, don't worry. The doctor will be here soon and I'll be okay." I smiled, trying to convince her that it's alright.

Just then, the doctor walked in and mom stepped away from me so the doctor could examine me.

"Hello, Hazel. I'm Doctor Lidia. Nurse Beatrice briefed me on your situation, so I'm going to listen to your lungs, okay? Lie back for me please."

I lied back and let her examine me. After a few minutes she told me to sit back up and told me that my lungs sounded pretty normal for being as sick as I was. She ordered an X-Ray to see if there was any tumor growth. She told me that she would have to keep me overnight for observation and first thing in the morning I'd get an X-Ray. She got me a gown and I changed into it and got myself situated on the bed. I was given some medicine to help with my breathing, which was feeling labored at this point. It calmed me down and eventually I was breathing normally again. Mom said she'd stay with me as long as I wanted her to and said she'd get me anything I needed from home. I told her I really wanted her beside me for a little bit longer because I needed the support right now. Mom told me I should take a nap and I decided that would probably be a good idea. I fell asleep pretty quickly and slept until dad got there three hours later.

When I woke up, I felt better than I had earlier, but I was still stuck at the hospital with nothing to do. I asked mom if she could go home and get my laptop and AIA, to which she said it wouldn't be a problem. When she left, dad and I were talking and the conversation turned to the move. He was concerned because of this recent episode, he didn't want to risk anything going wrong while we were traveling to California and he didn't know for sure that the doctors would be able to pick up where the doctors here had left off after we left. Understandable enough, but I had a really good feeling about California for some reason.

"Dad, I have a feeling that California will be a good thing for all of us. As for travelling, we'll cross that bridge when we get there. I just really, honestly believe that moving will open up a world of opportunities for us all. Don't stress it, dad, I'll be okay."

He sighed, "You're probably right, but you can't blame me for worrying, I'll always worry about my baby girl," He said pulling me in for a hug.

My parents are so embarrassingly loving and affectionate. I would never say this to their face, but I actually kinda like that about them; they're so unashamed of human emotion and they get all touchy-feely and I admire them for their openness even if I won't admit to it.

"Dad, you're squishing me!"

"Sorry, honey!" He said, letting go of me.

"It's alright."

"So I take it you're excited to move to California."

"Yeah, I mean, there are beaches and much more sun and apparently, good health care. I'm pretty optimistic that things will work out over there. You're the one being promoted, are you excited, dad?"

"A bit anxious, but definitely excited at the same time."

"Understandable. Try not to worry about me, dad. Seriously, I'll be okay."

"I'll try honey."

Just then, mom walked in with my laptop and AIA in hand. She handed it to me and said she would stay with me tonight if I needed her to. I told my parents that I'd be fine tonight if they wanted to sleep in their own bed. It was getting late so they wished me a goodnight and left. When they were gone, I opened my laptop and connected to the hospital wifi. I watched some funny videos for a while but I got bored after about an hour and decided to check my tumblr. Low and behold, a message!

"Hello, Hazel Grace. Sorry about earlier, I realize cancer can be a touchy subject for some people, hence the fact that I probably sounded like a nervous child. Anyway, as always, I liked talking to you and wish our conversation could've lasted longer. Talk to you later, Hazel Grace."

That explains the shaky voice I guess. I'm glad there's nothing wrong with him, I was super worried about him.

"It's okay, Augustus. I don't mind talking about it to people who won't let it define me as a person. I have cancer but I am so much more than my cancer. So many words can be used to describe me, but cancer is not on that list. I feel like you get me, so I don't mind going into the gory details for you. Coincidentally enough, I'm actually in the hospital as I write this. I woke myself up with a coughing fit this afternoon and I felt like I was suffocating, so my mom rushed me to the hospital and they've decided to keep me overnight. I'm better now though, so don't worry. If you ever have any questions for me, don't hesitate to ask. I honestly don't mind talking about it and I feel like it's best to be open with your friends. See ya, Augustus."

I browsed the internet for about half an hour after sending the message and then decided the best thing for me was sleep. So I shut down my laptop and set it aside and tried to get comfortable. So I opened AIA for the millionth time and read until my vision blurred and I eventually drifted off to sleep.

I made it through the night without any more problems. In the morning they examined me again and took an X-Ray. Everything stayed the same as it had the previous visit, they concluded that my recent episode was minor and were still working on figuring out a cause, but in the meantime they said I could go home. I was discharged at 10 and mom picked me up and asked if I wanted to get ready and then go out for breakfast to celebrate. She was into celebrating anything and everything, but I agreed because real food sounded really good.

I got myself presentable and we left for some tiny dinner down the street. It was pretty vacant since most people were at school or work at this time of day. My appetite has been horrible since being diagnosed with cancer but I felt like I was starving; I hadn't eaten much the day before and hospital food sucks so I picked at my dinner last night. I ordered some chocolate chip pancakes with hash browns and mom got some a little bit of everything.

"About California…" Mom started.

"We're still moving, right?"

"Yes, of course, sweetie! We were going to tell you this last night but considering the circumstances, thought it would be inappropriate. You remember that nice beach house we were talking about? We placed an offer on it yesterday morning! Now, nothing's official but it looks really good for us! Do you want to see some pictures of it?"

Mom! That's great! I want to see the pictures, I bet it's great."

She smiled at me, "I'm glad you think so!" She pulled out her phone and found some pictures of the house and told me when we get home we can take a 3D online tour of it on the laptop.

We finished our meal and went home to get a better look at the house. It was an older, blue beach house with white trim all around it. Most of the house was really open with huge windows looking out to the beach and a large, elevated wood patio. It was so beautiful. I could picture us living there.

After we'd 'toured' the house at least five times, we turned off the computer and just hung out on the couch and watched ANTM. I was really excited about the move and I really hoped we would be able to move into that beach house. I know that I probably wouldn't be able to live there long but I want this for my parents more than anything. After these past few, very long years, they deserve all they want and more.


End file.
